The beach has always brought peace within me. However, grief disrupted that in the most shocking way. The fear of losing my father was something totally unexpected and unplanned for. I was not able to focus and concentrate on my project. I had never faced this kind of stress of living with the fear of losing a dear one. This stress sucked up all of my energy and what came out was only negative feelings. From mid-November onward, I have been feeling very distraught and tired and I feel a lagging behind and an additional stress for the completion of my project.
The Pecha Kucha presentation was a big challenge. I just worked quickly and got on with it to show progress. The idea of working with my hands for painting had been tempting me since the day I did the carving and I thought about the deeper understanding/relationship/bonding I had while handling the objects. I felt this was important and Les also encouraged me for experimenting with the tactile. The ideas presented for the first part of the Pecha Kucha (which was also the major part of the Pecha Kucha) were all worked way before my dad suffered the strokes.
As I finally bought myself to work on the painting, I was in an agitated state of mind. The outcome was somewhat different too. I started using lots of black and my actions were immediate. I was OK with everything and if ever I was not,I kept on working until I could feel that I should stop. This technique also offered me comfort in an instinctual, unexplained way. It also kept my mind away from fear for sometime. 
Lately, I have started to gather stuffs from the beach again so I feel stable to move on now even though I still live with the fear of losing him. I feel the weight of my personal life/problems on my work and I feel this struggle has to be looked as a weapon for a better leap. My blog has suffered a lot from my inaction and I feel sorry. I have to move on now.
When putting forward emotion first in art, there is always the danger of being vulnerable. There is a form of honesty that comes from feelings.Was I in a form of inaction? I do not feel so. The turmoil and chaos from within brought a change from my stable thought patterns. I feel an anger so strong I feel like I am taking it out on canvas literally with my hands. I have not been sleeping well. I also feel tired from too much responsibilities. I want time for myself and I need encouragement for positive thinking. My friends from the OCA have been very understanding; especially Judith, Jennifer B and Mark. It is now time to move on; I have to re-organise. I also think my Expression of Intention has changed and has to be written again; especially as the one submitted has been copy-pasted from my past blog pages.
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